My Story
River Song
it’s may - that means it’s me awareness month

I’m willing to spam your dash just to get 1 person to understand. Because that means there is one more person in this world who understands my daily struggles. If 1 person reads this, learns something, realises they’re not alone - that’s all I want. 

Myalgic Encephalomyelitis is a disease - I don’t care what anyone says. It is. Because of it I have to rest a lot, people call me lazy but I’m not - I used to love sport but now I physically can’t do it. It’s long and tiring and no one completely understands it, not even us who suffer with it.

So my story is behind the cut, I’m prone to rambling so be warned, it’s lengthy! 

I have M.E. After 2 years of being well I’ve just hit a relapse again which has put my entire life on hold. I’ve had to put 2 of my A Levels on the back burner, I’ve had to stop going out, I’ve had to just stop and it’s so frustrating.

When I was diagnosed, nearly 6 years ago now, it took a year. It took a year for the doctors to tell me what was wrong with me. They thought I was attention seeking, just didn’t want to go to school. I love learning, but I was being bullied. Doctors took the ‘I’m being bullied’ as ‘You’re not really ill, you’re lying. You just don’t want to go to school. Stop wasting our time’. It took 5 days in hospital after 6 months of being ill for them to realise that maybe I was actually ill and even then it was 5 months before I was officially diagnosed.

In all my diagnoses took a year. A year of slowly getting worse; no one understanding but my family. It was torture, for them and me alike 
Eventually I was bedbound, I couldn’t walk, I couldn’t wash my hair, I could hardly eat anything myself & I couldn’t go outside - because I became sensitive to both heat and light, bringing me out in blisters at the very slightest exposure. Every little thing exhausted me. And I got no help, my mum got no help for helping me. People forgot about me, to be honest, I forgot about me. I forgot the person I used to be. I became just a shell of a person, I lost all get up and go.

Just some examples of things that both physically and mentally exhausted me:

  • Reading
  • Eating
  • Getting Dressed
  • Having a conversation
  • Walking - something which over time became increasingly difficult to the point I just couldn’t any more.
  • Showering - thank god for baby wipes & dry shampoo!

When I woke up, I was more tired. When I did something like showered, I was exhausted for sometimes 2 days - then I had to do it again. I lost all focus on things, my attention span was terrible. I forgot things; like conversations I just had or what I had for dinner the night before. I became photosensitive; I had to cover myself head to toe in clothing & wear factor 50 & a hat because the sun physically hurt me.

Doctors asked if I was depressed, of course I was! At the time I was 14, I couldn’t walk, wash my hair, get dressed by myself. I was so utterly alone - the only friends I had were those online, more often than not miles away - I had no one, I could do nothing and even the one thing I loved - learning - was a chore because I couldn’t focus. I was sent to a psychiatrist; what could a psychiatrist do? That’s the standard treatment for a physical illness - a psychiatrist.

ME is not psychological, it’s physical, but medical professionals treated me like I was crazy; like I was making it up. There is NO CURE I accepted that long ago, but ‘coming to terms with it’ didn’t really help in any recovery; but I went religiously for 3 years because I got to vent my feelings, I got to go out & I didn’t have to burden my parents. The one thing I wished for but didn’t get is physical therapy to help me start walking again, my mum had to help me like I was a toddler again. Its the one thing I asked for, but no one seemed willing to help.

I’d be lying if I said at 15 I didn’t consider suicide. Something I’ve really only just come to terms with. I was so, utterly alone, I didn’t think I had a future. I’d just started to get better and I was back in the wheelchair - I did too much and took a turn and ended up back where I started. I was frustrated & angry. I felt like a burden on my family. But I didn’t, I stayed strong & carried on & I woke up the next day & for some reason I felt positive & I decided to make a cake for some reason unknown & I really enjoyed it. I felt accomplished, like I’d achieved something for the first time in a long time. & It was a struggle, I had to keep stopping & sitting down & resting - but god the cake was worth it!

I found myself doing that more often in the months after; baking. Slowly I could stand unaided more, I could do more before I had to rest. It was my personal version of physical therapy - and tasted good too! 6 months later I sat my GCSEs. I got 6 GCSEs, I was aiming for 12 but I was so proud of myself that I got those 6! & I got an A in English Literature - something I never thought would happen considering how little concentration I had & how reading made my brain hurt & how I forgot things!

The biggest challenge for me though was social. I was scared of people. I had anxiety attacks at the school gates, I couldn’t talk to people my own age - the only contact with people I had was adults; teachers, doctors, family… I had no idea how to behave like a teenager because I never got to be a teenager because this illness took over my life & no one understood this illness. So again, I felt alone. But I had supportive teachers and a family that had supported me this far.

Against all odds I started A Levels, but I kept myself to myself. Spoke only to teachers; people I felt comfortable talking to. People I knew how to talk to. I took a kind of vow of silence when I was in the classroom; the anxiety crippled me. I knew the answers but I never gave them. When I was asked to give a presentation, I got a doctors note because the thought of it was making me pass out with anxiety. 

Now, nearly 2 years on from that, I’ve got friends & I’m still awkward but they’ve just accepted my quirks. But I’m in a relapse. This time my friends listen, they get it. They don’t judge me because I’m on crutches, sure I get looked at a bit strangely sometimes but I’m okay with that, it doesn’t make me feel as small as it used to. I just think “well I can kneecap you” and get on with it.

I’m aiming for University. I was hoping to go in September, but this relapse has pushed that all back - so now I’m aiming for next year instead. But I’m positive, the scientist in me is telling me it doesn’t matter how I get to where I want to be, as long as I get there in the end. There’s quick routes & slower routes & all different types of variables - but they all end in the same place. If I have to take the slower route then so be it.

So anyone who has ME? Stay strong and don’t let go of your dreams. Because there are so many ways you can get to them. Never give up. I’m so glad I didn’t.

Why ME?
So, I'm posting this because after all the good in the year - I've hit a patch with my health that's triggered a relapse with my ME. So I'm not exactly amused. It's hit me so quickly, it really shocked me. Consequently I'm now back on crutches, struggling to walk, struggling to remember anything and after a meeting today I've decided to do a 3rd year of 6th form. Not ideal, means no uni in September but I think I'll be in a better place when I do finally go.

So yes, I'm now only doing 1 exam in June. Which is a godsend. A literal gift from someone. I'm going to hopefully ace the one exam I do have (chemistry) and then over the summer I can have a bit of a break, read a bit, do some fun stuff and not really have much pressure on me at all. Though I have decided to do the EPQ next year, which will be a welcomed break from monotony - although I am going to do it on a chemistry related subject, what yet is another matter. 

But yes, this is a rather distressing time for me, but the lowered pressures on me with academia has relieved a lot of stress on me. I feel a lot more positive about getting better already, and to be honest I'm surprised I haven't had to resit a year already with all what happened over the last few years. I've done the right thing, I know that. It's just taking some time to sink in that I'm not going to university in September. Where

On another note, I've started up a new sims blog; x_hellosimsWherein I will be posting a lot of sim-related goodies. Mainly my first real Legacy challenge which I shall be starting to post in the near future!

Graphics Splurge
River Song


Find the rest HERE

Mixtape - March 2012

Every month or so I make a playlist that sums up my month, thoughts & feelings & even memories - they'll all be here somehow. This is something I've thought about doing in the past but always decided against for some reason, but today I feel like doing it & who knows, it may become a regular thing. There are a few songs missing from this, because I'm a stickler for everything following a rule & Moves Like Jagger didn't quite fit the theme.

So without further ado the play list:

01. Lissie - Go Your Own Way
02. Florence + the Machine - No Light, No Light
03. Charlene Soraia - Wherever You Will Go
04. Beyoncé - Halo
05. Clare Maguire - Last Dance
06. Katy Perry - Teenage Dream
07. Rihanna - We Found Love
08. Regina Spektor - Fidelity
09. Adele - Set Fire to the Rain
10. Ellie Goulding - Guns and Horses
11. Beyoncé - Love on Top
12. Kelly Clarkson - My Life Would Suck Without You
13. Lady Gaga - Edge of Glory

Behind the cut is the lyrics that sum it all up & the download link. ENJOY!

Now everybody asks me why I'm smiling ear to ear...Collapse )

A Post of Beautiful Ladies
So, I've not made anything in photoshop for over a year - nearer 2 - but this last week I've had a surge of inspiration & I've found myself making icon after icon. So I'll shut up now. On with the show:



10 Alex Kingston
10 Emily Blunt
10 Ellie Goulding
10 Florence Welch

Lovely Ladies This Way...Collapse )So I have a student finance meeting things this evening, I really ought to get myself ready to go out. I am by far and away no where near organised!

Top Songs of 2011
Lady Gaga

So I did this a couple of years ago & for some reason people liked it, and so did I. I really enjoyed summing up my year in 10 songs/artists. As I said in 2009, it’s not just picking the singles it’s the why I’ve picked them. This year there have been so many songs I’ve loved, so many I’ve related to and actually there have been a couple of really stunning covers.

Under the cut you'll find some obvious, & some not so. Enjoy my opinions!

Here I Go AgainCollapse )

If I Could, Then I Would...
River Song

So lately, been wondering
Who will be there to take my place
When I'm gone, you'll need love
To light the shadows on your face

If I could, then I would
I'll go wherever you will go
Way up high or down low
I'll go wherever you will go

And maybe, I'll find out
The way to make it back someday
To watch you, to guide you
Through the darkest of your days


Well Hello My Sweeties...
River Song
So you've decided to follow me here?! That's a good thing! So I actually forgot I started doing this again on the old blog, so I decided to start afresh and give you a blog of chemistry geekery, UCAS woes, Life and Times of a Failed Teenager and such. Hopefully not as angst ridden as the old blog was, and instead filled with love and Doctor Who and Harry Potter and all sorts of other lovely things. 

If you don't know me, I'm 17 and about to go into year 13, with all intentions to do a masters in chemistry after 6th form, I love chemistry (and my teacher) very much, even though it's not the subject I find easiest, it's the subject I love - I even love the bits I should really hate because I can't do. I've been battling with ME/CFS for 4 years now, but currently I'm winning and don't intend to let it get the better of me any time soon. I'm not going to lie, I love Kate Bush - she is the single most wonderful musician on this planet and I want her babies, or her albums, I'm not particuarly fussy. I find women more attractive than men, I have a crazy thing for Alex Kingston (and River Song) and I don't care that she's older than my parents (fictional), and lets not start on Helena Bonham Carter, oh Helena. The goddess of crazy. 

I'm sure once school starts up there'll be amazing stories of the younger students, as I help in 4 or 5 classes a week with them and they come out with some crackers that I just immediately wish to share with people. And lest we not forget UCAS woes and tenage dramas! 

So thats me. Yeah. I'm interesting.


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